Home > Uncategorized > Stupid Parts of Great Games: Final Fantasy VII

Stupid Parts of Great Games: Final Fantasy VII

Welcome to a new series for Frayed Wire: “Stupid Parts of Great Games”, where I nitpick about some of the minor (and major) flaws of a beloved or classic game. And what better way to start than with the RPG with perhaps the biggest, most hot-headed fan base in existence? The angrier the comments, the happier I’ll be.

1. Deformed Arms

Final Fantasy VII may have been hailed for its graphics at the time it was released, but looking back at it today, they’re not exactly jaw-dropping. Sure, this is understandable when you consider that this came out in 1997, but one thing will never cease to annoy me – those unnatural, blocky character models.

When you’re in a fight or watching a cutscene, Cloud and co. look like normal human beings (or cat things… depending on what character we’re talking about). However, when you’re traversing the game’s environments (which is, by the way, most of the game), the polygon count of the characters is forced to take a drop, and you’re left with… things… that are deformed and wholly unappealing to look at.

What’s going on here!? Why is Cloud’s arm super skinny in the middle and then freakishly huge at the end? And what’s with the black tip? I mean, come on, does he have hooves or something!?

2. The Utter Annihilation of the Solar System? It’s All Good!

In the last boss fight of the game, Sephiroth can use an attack called “Super Nova” which sends a beam of energy through space, blowing up planets and eventually running into the sun, causing it to explode. In turn, the explosion consumes several more planets until making its way toward (Final Fantasy VII‘s equivalent of) Earth. Don’t get me wrong – it’s pretty cool. The only problem is that this attack makes no logical sense. What’s that? I’m looking too deeply into this? Shut up, this is what the “Stupid Parts of Great Games” series is all about.

Oh no! Not advanced calculus problems!

First and foremost is that Super Nova can’t actually kill you. It only takes away a percentage of your health. Read that again: this can destroy the solar system in one short 2 minute cutscene, but it can’t make a blonde-haired emo kid and his under-leveled companions even faint. Say what!?

Also is the fact that the game can still be finished after this attack is used. Sephiroth can die and everyone is happy, but I guess people around the world will have to get used to it being night 24/7 due to the fact that there IS NO SUN ANYMORE. At least they have electricity powered lights, right? Oh wait… maybe blowing up the massive Shinra power company wasn’t such a great idea after all…

Now some of you out there may be arguing that Sephiroth actually causes the Big Bang at the end of the attack, because it’s possible for him to use it more than once in the fight. But even if all these planets are resurrected, that doesn’t change the fact that they were completely wiped out a few minutes before. All life forms anywhere would have died in the first explosion (including those on Earth when the attack hits the ground and moves toward Cloud and everybody else). So even if the planets are brought back, the population still has to start again from scratch!

The only way out of this line of thinking that I can see is to say that all the same people who died were brought back to life in the Big Bang… but in that case, what would be the point of the attack in the first place?

3. Typos

I understand that there’s a lot of dialogue in Final Fantasy VII. However, that doesn’t make the typos any less funny.

No, this translator are not paying attention.

Final Fantasy VII had powerful and immersive dialogue? Off course it did!

Another one of my favorites is JENOVA’s only line in the whole game: “Beacause, you are… a puppet.”

A typo even showed up on the game’s box! If you had one of the first prints of the US version, the “i” in the word “masterpiece” on the back of the case was floating, causing it to read “masterp ece”. I wish I had a picture, but perhaps to the game’s benefit I can’t find one.

4. Aeris’s Death

The most memorable scene in Final Fantasy VII (and one of the main contributors to the raging fanboy devotion many people have for this game) is where Aeris gets killed by Sephiroth. She’s just kneeling on the ground when all of a sudden that white-haired pretty boy comes swooping through the air and plants his sword straight through her. Of course, Cloud and everyone else is there to see it happen, and they develop a new hatred for the game’s villain. It’s a turning point in the story and in some peoples’ opinions, one of the most shocking and tear-jerking plot twists ever in a video game. It’s also one of the biggest plot holes in the entire game’s story.

Let me explain.

Getting to this pivotal moment in the game takes hours and hours of playtime, many of which are spent in battles. Now anyone who has seen even one of these fights take place knows that the Final Fantasy VII characters don’t go down easily. They can be poisoned, burned, shot, sliced, or whatever by some crazy looking monster, but still have thousands of hit points left. Aeris is no exception – by the time she kicks the can, she’s seen her fair share of pain in battles as well. So now you’re telling me that she gets instantly killed by just one little poke from Sephiroth’s sword? She doesn’t even bleed!

Now maybe you’re thinking, “Oh, well, Sephiroth is more powerful than everyone else, so his attacks do a lot more damage.” Okay, but even if I entertain that cop-out answer, there’s still one glaring flaw in the plot:

Why can’t somebody just use a phoenix down and revive her!?

It works every time up until that point in the game! No matter how badly something overkills one of the characters, a phoenix down will always bring them back to life! Is there anyone who can explain to me why they can’t just quickly whip one of those bad boys out and save Cloud the trouble of dumping Aeris’s limp carcass into a pool?

I like to imagine everybody somberly walking away from the place, crying and whatnot. Tears streaming down his face, Cloud looks into his bag and sees a phoenix down. With everybody else looking at him, Cloud glances back at the pool and then back at his bag a couple of times. “FUUUUUUU-!!”

By Josh60502

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. BT
    July 4, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Hahaha! Great post. I always laugh about those spells too. Gotta love typos as well!

  2. Dark Knight
    July 28, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Funny and clever article, but I have qualms with two of your points:

    Though it’s not explicitly claimed by NPCs or Squaresoft’s staff, many people come to the understanding that what occurs in battle is somewhat separate from the plot and is merely for the sake of gameplay and theatrics, not to depict events that are literally happening. This is why you see Vincent go down after one shot from Hojo, Tifa rendered unconscious from one swipe of Sephiroth’s sword, etc.

    Battle logic is not meant to carry over into story logic. If you try to make that leap, you will have to question most aspects of virtually every video game that exists. For instance, how can you shoot a human boss roughly 20 times in the head in the Time Crisis games before he/she goes down?

    Even if these two elements did connect, a phoenix down would still do nothing for Aeris. Contrary to popular belief, they don’t resurrect the dead. They just “wake up” a person who has been knocked out from severe trauma, almost like smelling salts.

  3. Altsune
    March 11, 2011 at 6:24 am

    Heh, I was just about to complain about this. đŸ˜„

  4. chelsea
    August 31, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    phoenix downs aren’t used to bring people back to life, they’re used when someone is knocked out. seeing as how aeris was killed, IT WON’T FUCKING WORK ON HER.

  5. November 27, 2013 at 11:19 pm

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